


Healing

by ClarkesLoveLife



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, Post-Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:08:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24219409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClarkesLoveLife/pseuds/ClarkesLoveLife
Summary: Set after the season 6 finale, but before Octavia goes missing. Has nothing to do with season 7 speculation. Bellamy goes to check on Clarke after all that she's been through.In other words, what if the 100 writing team and JR decided to let their characters deal with their trauma for even a few minutes.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Kudos: 55





	Healing

Bellamy was exhausted. This wasn’t new to him as he hadn’t properly slept in his whole life. On the Ark he was always worried about his mom and the men she brought back to their quarters, and then it was keeping Octavia safe. When his mom was floated and his sister sentenced to the sky box to await death, he barely slept a wink. Then shooting Jaha and trying to keep the 100 alive haunted him in the quiet moments at night. There was always a past demon lurking in the shadows of his mind. Even when they were hushed, the threat of illness, starvation, disease, war, being kidnapped, and radiation poisoning was always there. Even when he was blasted away back to space, he couldn’t sleep because he had left Clarke behind and his little sister to an unknown fate. Now, on this new and scary planet it seemed what was left of humanity wanted to kill each other if the planet didn’t kill them first. This exhaustion he felt wasn’t the physical kind, though he was tired from all the exhertion on his hurt leg, but the kind he felt to his core.

The only thing that kept him from walking back to his bed was Clarke’s face. When he reunited with her after the primes were gone, save for Russell, he saw a different side of Clarke he had never seen before. She was so broken. In all the years he had known her after such horrible choices and events, he had never seen her so fractured. Thinking about it had pulled at his chest.

He had tried to talk to Echo about his concerns about Clarke. Echo had brushed it off saying, “She’ll be fine. She just needs time to process her mother’s death.” He knew she didn’t mean to be callous, she was not as unloving as people might think. Her Azgeda upbringing kept her from having true empathy about other people’s trauma. When Bellamy pushed the issue, they fought. He didn’t know why he became so angry or pushed it. Maybe he had enough of the way his friends had been treating Clarke lately, but he just couldn’t stand the idea of anyone hurting her anymore.

In a fit of frustration, Bellamy told Echo it was over between them. The worst part for Bellamy was Echo’s face when he said it. He expected her Azgeda rage or calculating look. He knew she wouldn’t cry because it wasn’t her style. However, he didn’t expect her to nod calmly as if she knew it was coming and agreed. He thought she’d throw his promise of things not changing back in his face. She didn’t. She remained quiet and gave a sad smile. “Go to her then. Make sure she's ok.” He was in shock by it. It didn’t seem like a trick. She just turned and walked back into their room and began pulling her stuff out of the drawers of their room.

So Bellamy found himself walking without purpose or direction. Utter exhaustion was the only thing on his mind. His feet, despite his mind, knew where they needed to go. He noticed he had stopped moving. It was only then he shook the cobwebs from his mind and saw he had walked to Clarke’s room. He lifted his hand and rapped on the door.

Clarke opened the door a few moments later. Her eyes were swollen from crying earlier. He suspected she had been just crying before he knocked since there was still pink blotches on her skin. “Bellamy” she whispered. She tried to smooth her hair and wipe at her face to make herself more presentable. He wished she knew that she didn’t need to do that. He’d still find her beautiful no matter how she looked.

“Hey.” He said for a lack of words. He kicked himself for not having a speech ready.

“Is Madi ok?” Clarke said looking concerned.

Bellamy shook his head. “I… uh… assume so? I figured she was with you. I haven’t seen her.”

Clarke visibly relaxed. “Oh, ok. After everything with Sheidheda, the flame, and my m…” Clarke paused. Her voice had tightened. “My mom… Jackson agreed to keep an eye on her tonight to make sure she’s recovering ok.”

Bellamy nodded in understanding. “That’s a good idea. I’m sure she’s fine. Jackson will take good care of her.”

Clarke gave a half hearted smile. “So why are you here then?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh! Uh, yeah I’m ok.” Bellamy gave her a hard look. “It’s been a hard day, but all things considered I’m alright.”

“Can I come in?” Bellamy implored. He could tell she was going to brush off her feelings, but he hoped if maybe they sat down he could have the time to get her to talk.

Clarke looked behind her for a moment at the mess behind her. “Um, sure. The place is kind of… a mess. Josephine wasn’t a neat person and I haven’t been up to cleaning yet.”

“I don’t care about a mess, Clarke. I care about you.” Bellamy replied softly.

Clarke smiled a little more and opened the door more widely. Bellamy walked in. The last time he had been there Clarke had been trapped in Josephine’s body and he thought she was dead. It was hard looking around at Josephine’s stuff.

“Yeah, it’s definitely not my style but staying above the bar with everyone else… well that didn’t feel like a good option either.”

Bellamy’s stomach sank. “They still love you Clarke. I know they were mean after everything happened on Earth, but thy were hurt and confused. They care. Once everything has calmed down you’ll see.”

Clarke frowned, but nodded her head lightly. “I hope so.”

“They will. Besides, staying in this psychopath’s room can’t be good after everything you’ve been through.” Bellamy said gesturing around to the room adorned with fancy clothes and a painting of her, a painting that Clarke’s body made he had no doubt.

Her eyes connected with Josephine’s painting. She had been staring at that painting prior to Bellamy’s knock. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”  
He reached out and grabbed her hand gently. “Hey. Talk to me. You’ve been through a hell none of us can imagine.”

The warmth of his fingers flooded her arm and creeped their way up, but she pulled her hand back. She didn’t deserve the warmth. “I don’t feel like talking. I’m just so tired.”

“I get that.” Bellamy nodded trying not to feel sad that she had pulled away. “I imagine you need a good night’s rest after having your body snatched. You mind and body probably need to get back in sync.” He took a small step back feeling stupid for bothering her tonight. She needed sleep and he could talk to her tomorrow.

“It’s not…” Clarke started. “Yes, my body is tired, but that’s not what I meant.” She opened her mouth to say something, but she closed it firmly.

“You can tell me anything. I hope you know that by now.” He took the small step back closer to her.

“I am just so tired of… living… of surviving. Of trying to keep our people alive while making impossible decisions. Decisions people don’t want to make themselves but hate me for making them. I’m so tired of fighting for peace and finally having it in my grasp only to find a new enemy around the corner. I’m tired of outrunning my past and the demons of those we lost.” She paused with tears streaming down her face. “How many more people have to die because of me? People I love. People who believed in me. People who were innocent but caught in the crossfire?”

“Clarke…” Bellamy’s voice broke. He knew she felt this way. She was his best friend. He knew she felt the burden of their choices just as she knew he felt it too. But hearing it aloud broke what was left of his battered heart.

“The blood on my hands can never be washed away. Just before Shaw died he told me that ‘salvation comes from faith and good works. What you do, not what you say. You haven't done anything yet.’ He was right. I haven’t found salvation and I don’t know if I am even capable of getting it.” Clarke’s voice hitched. She wiped the fast flowing tears off her face, but fresh tears replaced them. “People die because of me. I’m a disease. A cancer.”

“That’s not true…” Bellamy started and brushed his hand on her cheek. “You made impossible choices and people did die, but people were going to die one way or another, Clarke. There were too many forces at work that couldn’t have stopped them all from dying. Because of you so many of us lived. There were other people who played their parts in these situations. You can’t shoulder this all by yourself.”

“When the red sun hit, you told me you didn’t need me anymore.” Clarke said.

He shook his head hard. “No, that’s not true. I do need you. I’ve always needed you. I was scared of needing you for so long because I thought it made me weak. Then when I knew that wasn’t true I was afraid because if I lost you then what would I be? What would I become? Then I lost you when we went to space. I tried so hard to become something you’d be proud of and did things in your name. But even then, I needed you. When I found out you were alive I was so afraid of going back to where I was. I didn’t want to have to need you only to lose you again. The red sun… that wasn’t the truth… that was my fear. It was my fear that I’d need you and lose you all over again.” He harassed her cheek. “Then I did, and my world shattered again.”

Clarke was quiet for a moment. “Do you know what I did during the red sun? Before I ended up stabbing you to stop you?”

Bellamy shook his head. He never asked because he didn’t want to think about it. He had nearly killed Murphy and came close to killing Clarke too. He had tried to block that day out of his brain forever.

“I heard my mom’s voice on the radio. The radio that wasn’t working. She… she told me that ‘you're a cancer, Clarke, and you know what we do to cancer. Cut it out. You want to do better here, but you can't. Now kill yourself. Put us out of our misery. Finish what you started!’ So I…” Clarke began to sob.

Bellamy’s body began to shake and it took him a minute to realize the coldness of his face was his own tears pouring down. He can’t believe he didn’t ask about that day. He didn’t even think about what kind of hell she had gone through before saving him from killing his friend.

“I held a knife to my throat. I was going to…” Clarke paused unable to finish the thought. “But Murphy came in. When he realized I wasn’t a threat to anyone but myself he realized I could help to stop you.”

Murphy. That rat. Bellamy couldn’t believe that Murphy didn’t tell him this. He had a right to know Clarke had contemplated suicide. Then with his actions after Josephine took Clarke’s body, he was going to have words with him. “I had no idea. I’m… I’m so sorry I didn’t ask you about that day sooner.”

She gave a half smile. “It’s ok, things got kind of crazy after that.”

“No, it’s not ok. You’re family, Clarke. I should have asked.” Bellamy argued. “I should know when family is hurting that badly. I should have seen it.”

“Don’t beat yourself up about that, Bell. It wasn’t the first time, nor the last, and you weren’t there for any of them.” Clarke blurted before slamming her lips closed after realizing what she said. She hadn’t meant to share that much.

“What? What are you talking about?” Bellamy asked. His chest tightened with anxiety.

Clarke filled him in about the day in the dessert with the gun right before finding the valley and about how she got Sheidheda to lose control to Madi. By the end both of them were crying again. Bellamy stood up and paced.

“Bell… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. I don’t want you to worry.” She stood up and walked over to him.

“Worry! You don’t want me to worry? Clarke, you are the most important person in my life! Of course I’m going to worry about your mental health!” He yelled.

“Octavia is the most important…” Clarke argued.

“No, she’s not! Not anymore. Not in a long time.” He said softening.

“Ok, but Echo…” Clarke started.

“I love Echo, but I was never in love with her. I couldn’t. I can’t be in love with two people at the same time.” Bellamy blurted. His eyes widened at his words. He was so riled up with worry about Clarke that his filter had apparently stopped working. He anxiously watched to see how she’d react.

“What? What do you mean…” Clarke stammered. She couldn’t put the pieces together. It didn’t make sense. He couldn’t mean what he was implying.

“I’m in love with you, Clarke! I have been for over 100 years, and I will be for the rest of time. It’s why I ended things with Echo earlier. It’s not fair to her.”

“You’re in love with me?” Clarke questioned, her eyes big and filled with unshed tears.

He cradled her face in his hands. “Yes. I love you, Clarke. _You’re my other half_. The head and the heart, remember?”

“The head and the heart.” Clarke nodded and surged forward to kiss him. His lips pressed against hers firmly at first before softening so that they could open up. When he felt hers open too he snuck his tongue in to explore hers. The sensation was dizzying and his heart felt as if it would beat right out of his chest. He ran his fingers through her blond waves. He lightly tugged her hair back and rested his forehead on hers. A small moan escaped from her as he did.

“I love you too, Bell.” She said staring at him with pupils blown. “I wanted to tell you before the rocket, but time ran out. I thought I’d never get the chance again.”

“Me too, Clarke.” He ran on hand down her face again. Her eyes fluttered closed and her face leaned into his hand. “Let’s rest.” He pulled back and tugged her toward the bed. “We are both exhausted. We have the rest of our lives to make up for all the time lost, but tonight we need to sleep.”

A small whining groan came from Clarke as they climbed into bed next to each other. “What if the rest of our lives is only one day?” Clarke asked as she settled into bed with her head on his chest.

“Then we make it one hell of a day.” He said leaning down to give her one more kiss. “But for now, let’s get some sleep because tomorrow… tomorrow I plan on showing you how much I love you in every way.” He kissed her with the promise of more to come.

“I’m keeping you to that.” Clarke mumbled sleepily.

A few minutes later he could feel her even breathing on his chest. Once he knew she was asleep, he allowed himself to relax and smile. He fell asleep thinking of the possibilities of what lay ahead for them. He didn’t know what would happen, but he knew they’d do it together.


End file.
